All I Want for Christmas…

December 13, 2005

PopMatters.com

Dear Santa,

As you know, I’ve been a relatively good boy this year, certainly as compared to last year. And now that my community service is done and many of the civil suits settled, I feel like I’m finally working with a clean slate!

We’ve not always communicated efficiently in the past, and so I’m keeping this year’s wish list short and “civil-tongued” — I think that’s the term you used in your reply to last year’s letter. You’ll note that this time around, per your request, there are no overt threats against Mrs. Claus or the elves if I don’t get my way. I am willing to make some changes if you are. Read the rest of this entry »

Advertisements

The Precinct: NYPD Ramones

December 9, 2005

15 Second Theater Presents

The Precinct

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Detective HAL JENKINS, 25-year veteran, NYPD. JENKINS recently divorced his third wife and suffers from severe stomach ulcers.

Detective JOHNNY FALCONE, hotshot rookie, NYPD. FALCONE is new to the precinct; inexperienced but eager. He speaks only in song titles from the first Ramones album. Read the rest of this entry »

Discovery: Hollywood!

May 20, 2005

PopMatters.com

The native habitat of the US movie and entertainment industry, Hollywood, California is lush and densely populated ecosystem. Home to thousands of fascinating species, the Hollywood landscape is swarming with the strange and wonderful — ruthless predators, docile vegans, majestic failures, and vast roaming herds of Beautiful People. On your next trip to LA, see if you can spot some of these amazing creatures! Read the rest of this entry »

The latest skirmish in America’s Culture Wars is being fought, hilariously, in a merry border village called ToonTown, with non-combatants such as SpongeBob SquarePants getting caught in the crossfire. I say hilariously because at first blush, the controversy seems absurd. At second blush, it’s depressing and a little frightening. But then, at third blush, it’s hilarious again, so what the hell — let’s dig in. Read the rest of this entry »

Zen and the Art of Cramming

December 9, 2003

Cramming is a time-honored and revered academic tradition, tracing all the way back to ancient Greece. Aristotle is said to have stayed up for three straight years while preparing his thesis on Poetics, and students at the Lyceum are generally credited with inventing the first form of Vivarin.

While not generally the most effective way of assimilating information, cramming is a good short-term solution for an upcoming test. The idea is to jam your frontal lobes with as much relevant information as humanly possible, then vomit it all back up within a day or so. Those of you who have been down this road know what I’m talking about. The amount of raw data you can functionally retain for 24 hours is amazing. Read the rest of this entry »

NewsObserver.com

When there’s just no accounting for taxes

CHAPEL HILL–Springtime is also tax time, and this is just plain cruel. Flowers and budding life on the one hand; 1040s and abject terror on the other. 
But I’d like to share a cautionary tale that may help you feel better about your situation, whatever it is. Because there was a time in my life — one dark and terrible year — when I spent much of the tax season curled into a trembling fetal ball, breathing very quickly, and fending off stark madness.

All because of Linus the Lunatic Tax Guy. Read the rest of this entry »